Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize