Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I am available for nakedness
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize