Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
