I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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