Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
