I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
