If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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