she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Randomize
