My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
