Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
