hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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