These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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