dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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