My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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