every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
