legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
