is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
