is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
