Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
