You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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