I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
