I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
