thus making me awesome and them whores
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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