Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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