So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
