i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You're a disaster
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