Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
