I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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