the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
