My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
