there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
