I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
