i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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