Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
