my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish you could order shots online.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
