In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
