I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize