he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
