I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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