I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
