Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
