Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
