I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize