his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you will always have a special place in my vag
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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