He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize