i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
