go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Boobs speak an international language.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
