Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize