I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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