I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize