Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
