a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
