allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize