Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
