I think I died a long time ago.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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