using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
