Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
