is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
