I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
