there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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