I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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