got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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