I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
