sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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