vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
